Letter and Poem from Maggie Belisle

I am sending the small bit of writing I did in the close, resounding moments after hearing the very sad news. Writing is the instinct I developed over the years for attempting to comprehend the incomprehensible. Sometimes it helps, lends a sense of closure or completion and other times it just helps me ‘manage’ the sense of helplessness that accompanies so much of what Life offers.

In the days since then, I have been enlightened by the recognition of how much of “who I am now” is a direct result of the unique way in which Cloudy touched my life. The example she was to me as she shared her life and her friendship with me. Always the same, always with great compassion and wisdom. Always without reservation or judgment.  She was a stalwart friend. A true friend. I am so blessed to have had her in my life. Me and everyone else.

We both had been directed to one another’s attention by Dr. Toole. And when we connected it was love at first sight.

I was taken by her poise and reserve and delighted by her wit and unfailing instinct for joy and laughter. Soft spoken, intelligent, beautiful, gentle, womanly Claudia and me-a Calamity Jane cowgirl who always saw myself as a feral stray cat, attempting to cope with my particular version ‘freedom’. An Odd Couple.

We had many things in common, writing, books, our mother’s and high school in Europe. Thus the name “Cloudy”… because that pronunciation of her name just stuck in my mind after Italy.

The friendship was an instant success also-because as a hardcore goof-ball ham- I loved discovering that I could make her laugh. And as my life became overtaken by a collection of devastating events over many years, sharing laughter with my gentle, caring friend became an oasis of refreshment in a sea of troubles.

That stormy sea, I eventually attempted to navigate with the help of antidepressants and alcohol—predictably, a dreadful combo.  And when at last I had at last managed the first year of sobriety, she gave me a memento of toy devil sluggin it out with an angel …and the reminder that I had won the first year of what would become many more to come. Her love again. A lighthouse at sea and a beacon on dry land. No matter what… she believed in me.

It was always so clear to me that Claudia was safe. A safe harbor of deep wisdom and compassionate insight. She could listen to me tell of the things that needed saying and reflect back to me that the grace I needed was truly within me. She believed in me when I was most at odds with any ability to believe in myself. And as I told Suzanne, she was a mentor and an inspiration because “she always saw the rose before the bloom appeared.”

What an incredible gift she was to us all. And just how much my life has been enriched for knowing her is before me every day. It is astonishing for me to think that I went from two packs of cigarettes a day, 3 beers and four white Russians with Prozac and a microwaved mummified hot dog for dinner to a sober, married life of organic farming, yoga, meditation and a sense of peace-which I hope in some way resembles the light she showed me.

It was a fitting tribute that every single person who gathered to remember Claudia, continues to share the same vision of the same unique person who touched their lives by the simple and beautiful essence of who she truly was.

This was a replication of the logo image that Claudia drew-

often added to her letters and gift labels to me signed "Cloud."

I took it that morning in the garden at her farewell.

Claudia Ebeling was my friend.

The very heart of grace.

Kindness came naturally to her.

In every encounter

she led from the heart

and demonstrated her belief in

the undeniable efficacy of Love

to transform and transcend

Everything.

My life, still

touched by her love

changed by her friendship and

her unfailing belief in me.

She saw my light

despite my many shades of shadow.

So I came to know the value of my worth

because she chose to show me love.

One life made more vibrant

by her hand and her willingness to share her heart.

She was my teacher. A writer and a soul who possessed

an unhesitating generosity

of spirit

of joy

of love.

She sparkled in her laughter and her wit

and magically

magnified joy

in the world around her.

What she lived

continues

to thrive and

flourish here

because she was wise.

Wise and kind and loving.

Now it is our time

to take this gift

and do the same.  

To

Be the Light

and

quietly, beautifully

Shine

as

One

with

Claudia.

maggie belisle 7-30-14